WHO AM I?

WHO AM I?

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering.

St. Augustin

On a normal basis, we as human beings go about our existence and never really notice our surroundings. In doing so, we pass by people, buildings, nature, and our even our dreams as if they are there to fill in world around us. Life is like a coloring book; we must fill in the pages. There are times when we make mistakes and color out of the line, but as we continue to work diligently, the error is hardly noticeable after it is completed... it becomes a part of the picture.

I have noticed that I’ve been walking aimlessly around for many years, blind to the mountains of buildings, the sea of people, and the vast compass of opportunities. I never really noticed them until now. I snapped out of the trance of routine and really opened my eyes to the surroundings. The people around me: past and present…the good and the bad... places I’ve been to…their history, their story. Most importantly: my opportunities…I passed up many chances in my life to discover who I really am in order to take the easier route…The shorter path.

MY FIRST YEAR… and a brief recap

It is almost a year. Almost to the exact day of when I embarked on one of the most amazing adventures of my life… I took a look around at my surroundings and noticed many things. I’m not talking about my bed with a cream and flower-patterned comforter, or the Korean-style hang-to-dry stands, or even the refrigerator covered with advertisements for food delivery. I REALLY noticed my surroundings.

ONE YEAR AGO…

I was running up and down the stairs, packing and repacking my suitcases. I was also running last-minute errands for the shop and gathering things that I ‘MAY’ need for my move. I was oblivious to the idea that my life would change drastically once I stepped into my country of birth. Just a few months before, I had finally graduated from college. Took a long 6 ½ years to finally graduate after 3 different colleges in 2 states.

(The famz: Dad, Me, Mom, Daniel [missing: Dury])

Just two years before, I had moved back from Los Angeles. Moving to Los Angeles had been a HUGE step for me... The 3 ½ years in Los Angeles had been a learning experience. but I knew that I couldn’t go back until I was financially stable and fully capable of doing it on my own... My time in LA was fun, exciting, scary, emotional, and stressful... When I came back home, it was for my family and I had felt regretful leaving it all... but being home for almost 2 years, it was relaxing and felt good to be normal again (the 3 jobs along with being a full-time student). I felt much more normal and grounded...

AT THE AIRPORT…

Saying bye to my dad was the hardest...He isn't a very emotional person (being like most Korean dads).. He looked at me... and he said… "Behave yourself... Take good care of yourself.... I love you..." With those words, I started to tear up... I felt like daddy’s little girl again. As I nodded, unable to say anything, I could only look at the floor. As I walked through the gates, I looked back and realized how much my dad had aged...His age was starting to show in his hair… his eyes… his hands.... Many years of supporting the family by himself had become evident. Straight after the airport, he would be driving straight to the store to work a 8-6 shift alone at his shop... I felt guilty and angry at myself for distancing myself away from him for the past few years... A lot of anger over the years had built a wall between us and I realized that it was slowly melting away...

The flight...
first day in Korea...

When I first got to Korea… I didn’t feel homesick at all. It was probably because I had my mom with me to help me settle in. We would wander the streets of Korea amazed at how much things have changed between our 14 year absence. The place was the same... however, time had taken its toll on the city I once knew and modernized in a way I could not have imagined. After my mom left, I felt that giddy feeling of freedom to be in a “new” country by myself. I would go out to see old friends from elementary school and hang out with them on my off-days. From there, I would network like crazy and meet new people every weekend. Endless nights of drinking, partying, clubbing became an all too familiar routine again. But luckily, in time, I became able to pull myself back down to the ground.

PRESENT…

I have met a group of friends who have kept me grounded. They have helped me realize that friendship is MORE than just meeting up and partying. We don't see each other, but maybe once a week because of our hectic adult lives. However, we all come together and help each other out the best way we can. Don't misinterpret my words, I REALLY, REALLY miss my close friends back home [Taema <3!], my friends back in my 2nd home of LA, and even the friends I no longer talk to.

TAEMA Family...

I recently, reconnected with and old friend from LA… He said many things to me that made sense. His "lecture" was more of a kick in the head. Of course, he is always right! He made me realize that I am a person of big words, small actions. I usually try to stick with the familiar and push away the unknown. Because of this, I have been pushing away people, new experiences, and even my dreams day by day. As they get pushed farther and farther into the back of my mind, I try to convince myself that this is ‘how things are’, ‘how things are supposed to be’. I finally realized that it really isn’t.

(Azela, Julia, Young-mi Unnz)

(Sue, Juanita, Azela, Julia)

I’ve had many missed opportunities in my life, only to live a life of routine. I've passed by my surroundings as if they were supposed to be there. My family and friends have always been there for me to guide me and give me advice. I feel this is the final chance to finally LISTEN and REALLY take in my surroundings for myself. There have been many changes in my life for the better and I hope that I’ve become a better person. Now, I’m really going to open up and take it all in. Each moment and each day will be like its last. I refuse to fall into the trance of routine again. I am also very grateful for that friend who helped me realize that. Thank you.

(a long time ago...)

PS. As my adventure in Korea continues for another year I will continue to write… I will also recap a lot of missed events that has happened to me in Korea over the past year.

Until the next time… ONE~*